Loss of the Self.

It comes up seldom. But here it is again.

You said "Write", so I will, since talking verbally of these things seems to create friction.



I am cognizant of the transitional periods of life.

Our shared, to a degree, beliefs share the notion of change.

Maiden, Mother, Crone, Boy, Father, Elder.


These basic transitions encountered by all.

Add into the cake mix of life the demands our culture imposes upon us.

We were once ourselves, unattached, unfettered.
We met and became a different entity; still able to be ourselves, with slight changes.

We got married, more changes.

We had a child.
More changes. Things become less self focused.
We both worked still.

I got laid off.

The bitterness began after the initial sadness and shock faded.

"Ness who Works" was, and is for the moment, gone.

"Just Ness, the Mom", is who remains. I am your wife, it feels, on occasion. This bothers you. A lot, if I go by our last upset/talk. I am your wife a few hours a day, a Mum all the time, and I am myself only sparingly, like yourself.


I love our daughter, I would goddamn murder anything or anything who tried to harm her.
I love you, my husband, and would do anything for you, to the best of my ability.

I am, wholly admittedly, envious. You are able to keep that part of yourself.
"Matt Who Works"

You can leave. I miss, being able to commit my mind to more adult trains of thought, to work, to talk to other adults.

This drove me insane on leave, and does the same now. I have, perhaps in more ways then one,. lost part of myself, that I am unsure I can reclaim.

Who knows if I can work again. I had to take off a lot of time previously. Kid is sick. checkups. Leaving early for daycare pick ups.

I am uncertain how to approach this at times. My sentimental side says, cling to what you've lost. You logical side, and my own even says, "move the fuck on".


How do you "move the fuck on" when you're really well, stuck? I cant go get a job RIGHTNOW. We're about to move. I wanted too. So badly, and could have easily gained employment. You grew upset when I was trying, so I stopped.

I can't very well say "you know, I am bothered" Fights or lectures spring up.

I can't keep quiet all the time, but I am to deal with it.

Which I do try. I cannot just slap a smile on my face and act like it's all good. I won't lie to myself, or you. But I suppose I just have to try that too. But we've been down this path before.

Complaining is a bad thing.

I miss US. I miss MYSELF. I'll go ahead and sound like a selfish brat.

You can still retain a small portion of your self. Matt, husband, who works.

Not for long, I know. you'll be leaving soon, so we can start our future in a new place.

Sitting at home though, these past months, eager for you to come home, for adult conversation, makes me feel like a ragged, needy bitch.

So I will, for you, and myself, try to find the positive, as ever, and share it.

Hopefully this was more clairifying than the email.