today the ache.
today the ache- is
here.
The familiar ache, the tension.
- shoulders ache, the head hurts. Neck is tight, teeth and jaws
jaws and teeth.
the gloomies visited last night in that
time between laying down
and finally sleeping, some hours gone
they stayed the night
have not yet gone.
For the sake of the littles
you try hard not to find a room to hide in
with the lights off
to cry in to a pillow or a towel
the ugly sobbing of fear, and
dare you admit, being lonely.
So needy, you tell yourself.
cant you just move on?
But you can’t. Why havent the doctors called yet?
So shaky. But you ate, you hydrated.
You want badly to scream, to gnash your teeth.
That would be unseemly, and upset your babes.
The eldest sees it all, and it comes back in tantrums you wish you could prevent.
“Take some time for yourself already.” he says.
how? when?
"Leave." despite wanting to stay in.
Pressing.
Stay home, but no games. No time for books, barely time to write
yet "go back to the pictures"
changes come, they feel one sided?
embittered -
- ?
Will they hire sunday?
meet them there, is it worth it?
The dark thoughts - dark teeth.
ache.
hurting.
you can see how to hurt, and blink away those
startling, terrible sights.
when you drive, it is the worst.
You forget how you got where you did, like the
the grocery this week.
How did you get there?
You arent sure.
But you can recall seeing terrible things.
Small things blowing up in to anger.
Is it worth it?
no, yet something tells you it is.
Sleeping more.
Safer in bed, it feels. Where the comfort of the dark warmth is-
where you feel like you're doing the right thing
Holding a little babe close, nurturing yourselves.
How did that happen?
Who let you have kids?
When was that a good idea.
They are strong
healthy
but you fear what you see.
Will they deal with this?
seeing, hearing what isnt there - with inability
to function?
A little pill - for the player, the pilot.
Her self sputters, but carries on.
Her jaws snap, but oh they ache.
Where are the clouds, the waves?
The songs to savor along the tongue?
Lately I have forgotten how
to be myself.
- shoulders ache, the head hurts. Neck is tight, teeth and jaws
jaws and teeth.
the gloomies visited last night in that
time between laying down
and finally sleeping, some hours gone
they stayed the night
have not yet gone.
For the sake of the littles
you try hard not to find a room to hide in
with the lights off
to cry in to a pillow or a towel
the ugly sobbing of fear, and
dare you admit, being lonely.
So needy, you tell yourself.
cant you just move on?
But you can’t. Why havent the doctors called yet?
So shaky. But you ate, you hydrated.
You want badly to scream, to gnash your teeth.
That would be unseemly, and upset your babes.
The eldest sees it all, and it comes back in tantrums you wish you could prevent.
“Take some time for yourself already.” he says.
how? when?
"Leave." despite wanting to stay in.
Pressing.
Stay home, but no games. No time for books, barely time to write
yet "go back to the pictures"
changes come, they feel one sided?
embittered -
- ?
Will they hire sunday?
meet them there, is it worth it?
The dark thoughts - dark teeth.
ache.
hurting.
you can see how to hurt, and blink away those
startling, terrible sights.
when you drive, it is the worst.
You forget how you got where you did, like the
the grocery this week.
How did you get there?
You arent sure.
But you can recall seeing terrible things.
Small things blowing up in to anger.
Is it worth it?
no, yet something tells you it is.
Sleeping more.
Safer in bed, it feels. Where the comfort of the dark warmth is-
where you feel like you're doing the right thing
Holding a little babe close, nurturing yourselves.
How did that happen?
Who let you have kids?
When was that a good idea.
They are strong
healthy
but you fear what you see.
Will they deal with this?
seeing, hearing what isnt there - with inability
to function?
A little pill - for the player, the pilot.
Her self sputters, but carries on.
Her jaws snap, but oh they ache.
Where are the clouds, the waves?
The songs to savor along the tongue?
Lately I have forgotten how
to be myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment