sleep.

Sleep is not mine as much these days.



Everyone else sleeps.
His snorting within minutes of
laying down.
Her tiny sounds, mouth to breast
The Eldest sprawled in her own bed.

As I lie there, head moving. a leviathan of thoughts
Rolling in the sea
of the mind.
Contorted body to
nurse our smallest.
Our words don't meet but in passing, hurried conversations
replaying - how they could have gone
better.
What should I have said - ?
Would a difference be made?
The sights and sounds of what you'd never do
ever-
you can hear the screaming, the questions
you can see the little body shake, or the other fall
untold terror, sadness.
Is someone here?
What if someone takes them-
protect them.
Hurt yourself, you feel it tell you.
But you wouldn't. They need you.
Protect them.
But the notion terrifies you.
You rarely go anywhere. Just those familiar errands
grocery, station.
"do more, find something."
I want you.
but you're not exactly there.
I'd never tell you outright
you take it so seriously already
how strong the feelings are.
I am horrified to scare you
as I know already you are-
The doctor
hopefully can help.
I just wish it hadn't taken this long.


It takes a while to sleep.
I resent your falling asleep
so quickly sometimes.
Used to be
I could fall in to it quickly.
lately
its not.