February, already

She seems off tonight.

Something is bothering her. I can hear it in the way she pauses in mid talk as I look at her reading log. She has to write down the titles of each book she reads. If she fills it in time, she gets a slip for a pizza at a place nearby. I can see her hesitant glance at the reading log.

"KIddo, what is it? Did something happen at school?"

"Well.. ..MOmma.. it was book fair day."

Shit I think. we couldn;t do that, again. Those promises of 'maybe' and 'We need to talk about it.' while she painstakingly wrote down the titles she wanted, and their prices.

"I'm sorry kiddo, the money isn't there."

"But Evwyone else got books.. or pencils.. and I got.. I got nothing."

"That sounds like it was really hard. Did you feel left out? I appreciate you telling me, and talking about it. But look - we have stacks of books from the thrift store. And when we can, we get new ones."

"But I weally wanted all those books. I thought if I tell you you'd be angwy."

She hugs me. She says, "Maybe next time, right Momma?"

I nod, but inside I die a little.

She runs off to run around the table with a car, her sister following suit. On my desk is a letter from the state medical. They claim the necessary information wasn't sent, and they won't be covering previous appointments from my mental health. I sigh. It's just become another bill - add it to the pile.

They're shrieking. This is the best game, running pell mell around the table with a bus and a train. Feet stamping a pattern of thumps I can only hope my below neighbors aren't too angry. I think, "Maybe we can add another pair of feet to this" as I recall the appointment from yesterday. The one I waited since before christmas to have - because I can feel it. I can tell when the medication needs an adjustment. I got lost in the holiday chaos of the medical office, so I waited.

She scolded me a little, wanting to hold off on most drugs - because I wanted to try for a third child. She implies selfishness. I feel abashed. She skimmed through a book, looking for alternatives and asked me about my use of weed.

"The medication could have interacted, you must be careful." Careful would be not making your paitient waiting two months or more, on medication that isn't working. But I don't say it. We agree on a medication that is 'sort of ok during pregnancy, but bad for the breastfeeding."

But she forgets to put in the order, so I can't start it yet. So I wait.

I wait.