Ramble.

I smoke weed. Once or twice a day, or maybe more if the hallucinations and anxious feelings are specially bad.





It's nothing special - indica strains, with maybe some CBD to try in the future. I keep it simple. Just a pipe and a lighter. I won't invest in a vape, and I have no place for a bong. Maybe I'll learn to make joints but now, a snake and a lighter.

Typically, I use enough to take the edge off my symptoms - I don't want to be too baked to function for my children. An added benefit to doing this is that I am way calmer and harder to get pissed over stupid shit. Everyone benefits. Less screaming? You wanna draw on a box? go for it kid. I find I pick my battles better - instead of screaming or storming off on him, I try to say, 'hey you're being a jerk about that'. Or say to myself, 'girl he's not worth it right now, let him be a poop'

This morning I was not happy. Missed opportunities, we'll say. But I carried on with the morning. The time came for my morning dose. I call it a dose - it's medication to me, not a recreation. I did my usual amount; and went on my morning routine per usual. I didn't think I'd done that much until I found myself stooped over my mug of tea, peering through the tendrils of steam at the dark, twisted green leaves as they uncurled and swelled in the hot water. As I stood there, letting the tea steep for it's usual 45-60 seconds (Else its too bitter!) I realised what I was doing.

I stood up, looking around. Savoring that feeling of being able to think in one direction. To focus on something simple and enjoyable - like tea leaves. I could hear my children quietly playing. The soft music in the background from the living room. I felt briefly, content.

Contentment feels like a luxury at times. I don't go to bed counting my blessings I suppose. I worry about money, the relationship I have with my husband, or endure intrusive thoughts. Last night the neighbor was screaming FUCK and it sounded startling. The toddler stirred some time in the night, letting out a little wail.

go back to sleep. I wished to myself. For her and I both. This medication since I started it. I dream strange things, with intensity.  I wake more often in the night and take longer to fall asleep sometimes. I don't linger in bed as much though. My body hot and alert at his alarm clock, up by 330-4 in the morning despite my love of my bed.

Contentment. It feels so impossible to attain. We're so dreadfully unhappy in this apartment. But do we move this summer? do we save from taxes and scrimp, pinch and grasp for extra dollars and leave? But the kiddo will have to move scout dens. He talks about scout stuff a lot lately. His excitement is awesome, if a little overwhelming. He has goals for her there, I hope she can keep up with him. He wants a truck to drive. I think he tires of our sturdy jeep. I still yearn for a third and comment that we might look for a van.

I want to go back to watching the tea slowly open in the water again, and reach that state. I want to linger there the way I might in a slept in bed - all warm and soothing. It was so fleeting as the reality of life came back. They'll need your attention again, food, books, shows. Playing. She likes it when you blow a feather in to the air. But I'll see it later - in my head. The steam extending away from the cup, bringing with it the scent of the green tea I was watching. I'll see the leaves uncurling when I close my eyes. It'll be a moment to use for defusing those hallucinations. A counterpoint. A balance.

I have to keep the balance.