Carry.

"You cannot meet the emotional needs of two people. You need to focus on your own."




She said that to me once. My therapist. I agree. She's not the first to say it.

I didn't see it before, that I was trying to be emotionally supportive for two people. I see it now though. When he has a bad, I have a bad, and I try to carry us through it. She says I need to stop doing that. I work on that now, by focusing on maintaining a personal balance. His funks affect my own and I find I am on the defensive a lot lately.

I try to protect myself from his snapping reactions when bad news comes. Or when he's so exhausted to do much more than give a brief kiss, try not to feel left out. I retort when he says 'I never heard that' when I know I've said something. It's exhausting. I'm told to let him stew, and bring himself out of his own funks. It feels like abandonment. I can't do that - not completely. But I can't sit there and hold on and hope for the best. I wish he'd talk to a person.

"There's no time for that" he says. But it's there, you just have to make the time. Maybe it's fear. Fear of confronting the things in your life. I sit here crying quietly because I want to help, but I can't do it all, not for two people. I don't have a gentle way to say it.

The therapist before my current said, "Help your spouse, but do not carry them when you can barely carry yourself." and I try. I am there for him. A bad day at work? I am there.  I hear him when he vomits an onslaught of words and emotions but what do you do? "I'm afraid if I tell you whats on my mind, it will trigger you." He says this, then overloads me. It is a weird cycle. Because I really am set off. Instead of taking tiny bites, I have to swallow huge amounts of emotions - that's when I struggle. It's not bitterness I feel, but helplessness. I can't do anything but try to keep my head up as I try to hold up myself up with him.

I barely feel able to speak about I feel without feeling trivialised. He's gotten better over time, but lapses in to old ways easily. I am left feeling guarded and on the defensive a lot of the time. I hate it. I am mentally exhausted so often, then I get shrill and snappish, and the cycle continues.

It feels like he has the notion of 'Be a man, endure it.' when today that's more harmful then useful. Reach out. Talk to someone, get medicated if you need to. You will not be judged. I encourage him to get help. He says, "I get no breaks" despite my trying very hard to indulge the desire to play games or sit 'round and watch movies. Im not sure what else to give. A friend suggests coordinating defined times outside of the house without the kids. But how do you do that with two people that want to lurk at home? we barely get out together without kids anyhow.

With our village. These friends I speak with that are more than willing to watch our kids in the hopes we get out together, or have time in *together*. I want so bad for him to embrace them as his circle, but always I hear the same: They are not my people. They don;t have to be HIS people, but they are a resource. Please use them! They'd love to hear from you, that you want to arrange kidcare for a little date.

I need him to talk to someone :( I can;t do it for him anymore - I am not a professional, I don;t have the answers. Listening is great but it does not help manage stress or anger. Today in the car was really spooky, I wanted to scream but stopped. I hope he can talk to someone.