I keep hallucinating today.




I can usually ride through these - I tell myself how illogical or irrational they are. The things I see or hear. I ground myself.

Other times, like today, they are harsher, more insistent. The voices are stronger, the images more vivid. I get angrier, snappy unable to ground myself.

All I can do is ride it out and hope it will calm down. Music helps so much. I can look back at listening habits and tell when something has come up. A track that is left on for hours, maybe I did writing that day, as I am now.

Today music is there again.

today it's Chelsea Wolfe. Her song After the Fall is so haunting. The chorus  is lingering with me today:

Chasing the sun, can't wake up.
Scream and run, don't let them win.

I want to remember these words. I know I can't let it win, this disorder. I have too much to see, too much to do. I have babes that need me here. Matt needs me here.

I am stronger than this bullshit.

I will overcome the psychosis.

But for now I know it's ok to hide. And that is what I am doing. I turned off my ringer and locked the door.  We're looking at ten days of rain here, and I quietly dread it. I ache for the sun.