Unfortunate.

I find it to be an unfortunate thing.




The we have two daughters with parents that are in a constant struggle with their selves. It's no ones fault we tend towards depression, or that one of us is afflicted with bi-polar disorder. But this is about him today.

We're always on guard, who is going to have a bad day? Who is unable to function today? We had a bad weekend recently. I was unable to help pull him out this time. I almost got drawn in myself, having been battling a downward focus for a few weeks now. I sleep way more than I usually do, and have had a detachment towards our children.


I still love them, I give them everything they need but I feel detached from the joy of it all. He claims the same in a general sense. He feels inept, unable to give to us what he feels we all deserve - a house, less struggle. He wants to do things on his own, ideas and desires - like the car. He wants to fix it himself, but some things on a car are outside of our hands. He seemed upset I didn't dive in to the idea of a sewing machine, but instead suggested he (we) talk to some of our friends, who have the machines and would likely loan us space to do the things he wants. It would save us on our already limited space.

I see our village and strive to work with them where he wants to stand alone and provide. It is a hard place to be stuck. I don;t look down on it, but I see the opportunities and try to help us utilise them.

All of this is sucky as hell. I tiptoe around him - he is prickly for ages when he's down. Everything is terrible. The kids annoy him, and I feel strongly that I annoy him too. He'd rather stay in and lurk then go out in the sunshine - a problem that plagues us both really.

We had a hard talk a week or so ago and came to the conclusion a third kiddo is not in the stars for us. I like to tell myself circumstances can change. Though between money, space and finally (possibly more importantly) mental health I feel like I have to give in, and I wonder he feels the same sort of giving up. He rubbed my body the other day and said sleepily, "I wish I could get you pregnant again" and it gave me a false hope. A thrill of possibility, that maybe yes we could! I know I have a circle now, a village. and the weed helps so much - I wouldn't be completely alone, but what about him?

He works very long hours. He gets up after having poor sleep to leave for a 12-16 hour day working largely alone. No friends. No recognition outside of his family. and I do my best, I send cheery things, selfies, supportive words and lately it feels like I am beating against a wall there. All I can do is persist and hope he can crawl out of his gloomies. He has no village of friends to fall back on. I wish he did, or something to help break up his dull routine of work-sleep-work. We started a dnd thing on rpol which is nice, we're both interested but I feel like having actual people to do this with would be better for us. A group of three or so folks. But for now, we'll stick to forums. I mean where is the time? between Kiddo's scouts, his work schedule and sleep it's kind of hard.

We can't even have a date. We have the ability for child care, it's just getting the time for extra stuff for *us*. When there is time most of the effort of planning, kidcare and getting it going falls to me, which leaves me feeling less enthusiastic. So we sit without time together outside of sleeping. It makes us dull and  bitter. Im not sure how to fix this directly.

All I can keep doing is keep being supportive. Because I <3 you.