Really.

I have an overwhelming feeling of no fucks to give today.



Just a a strong feeling of being disengaged. I'm not disassociating, i'm not manic. A bit depressive to be sure.
Of course the girls are well cared for, a loving hug here, supportive words there, But the glow is gone.
I can't explain it.
I love my girls.
I love my husband but i just.
feel so meh.
No thoughts of self harm or ending myself.
I havent napped today so I guess that's a bonus.

I guess I feel underwhelmed. Under appreciated. I shared a thing today that says you should treat your man as a king. That yes, a man is deserving of kind words and appreciation.  I look back and I share kindness and support all the time, but see little from him. That's disheartening. What to do? Not much I can do but sit here I suppose.

My therapist keeps telling me I am doing too much, that I need to pass the reins over to Matt. He works so much, how the hell do I manage that?  He needs down time too when he;s home, I feel sorta stuck just handling shit. But the passion feels sincerely lacking. Asking for a kiss feels like twisting an arm sometimes. I feel bad asking.

I ache to go to school, or work. To get away, to get out. But there's no way to work that out. The therapist thinks it's too much right now. I know money would help.. who the hell wants to hire someone for weekends only? There's no money for school.  We have one car.

I'm stuck here. A stay at home parent - and I try to make the most of it. But I have to beg him to take part sometimes. Kiddo made a bingo game and ached to play with him. It was just fancy tic tac toe. It was exhausting. I get it though, it's hard to muster up the desire and excitement to play a silly child's game. I see her though, waiting for him. She asks when he's late if she can stay up. She misses him. I miss him too.

Between scouts and his work and the kids there is very little time between us for time together. It's left things feeling lacking. This weekend he already has plans for his down time. I already sort of dread it - so maybe him and Zoe can do a tent night and I'll go to bed. So he can play and I won't feel left out or set aside. If he reads this he'll be angry that I am thinking about it that way.  But it's not that I don't want him to play - I do. He deserves down time too. I just wish he was that attentive to us sometimes.

That's how it feels. I cook, I clean, I watch over the kids and that's that. Unless I am needed I'm not really here. I used to cook and bake neat things. I used to grow things. I used to make things. I dont feel I can anymore, so I just kinda sit at my desk and wile away the hours. I wish I had more direction. I can;t focus on a book, a hobby or a video game. I log on, I spin in circles and I log off.

We need a break. and I told him finally what I want - a date where I don't have to do all the arrangements. I coordinate kid care, I put the bug in our butts to go out. I want to say I feel hopeful, but I think quietly I am resigned to the fact it won't happen. Our access to kid care - a group of women (and their husbands) has been relegated as 'your friends not mine' despite reassurances that they are his to call on as much mine. I wish he could see them as a village like I do.  We both have such awful stress :\ I'm sure one could ask what stresses does a stay at home parent have, and I can confess it's considerable. and imagine his stress; always working, driving to Seattle and back. So a break is necessary. But I'm not sure it'll happen.

So I guess we sit here and stew.

Im worried about money again. We have so little left from taxes, im afraid we're going back to lean times again. It was nice, seeing that money there though, and we paid off a considerable loan with it - which is great! But we get so spendy :( We get excited and forget our words: to stop spending so much.

I trust him - I do. He says we're fine, but I still worry.

I want to believe that we're fine. In all aspects :(