It's been a while.

Over a month actually.



Life is busy -
Between scouts and every monday being full of appointments, our combined mental health needs..
I am exhausted.
I know he is too.

But we both started new meds - complete with side effects: Specifically fatigue. It can be hard when both parents want to give up and take a nap. I try to be indulgent and understanding. He's the one who works and gets less sleep than I do. Whats a nap going to hurt?

The hard part is trying to power through it while he naps, because the allure of sleep is so strong. A cozy snooze on the couch or our comfy bed - bliss. But I make it work.

Work. The notion of work is coming up more and more. He's so unhappy with his work, I'm afraid something might happen. He had an accident that he swears he's not in trouble for. I want to just relax and breathe, and accept that answer. But what if it's not? are they going to have him bust ass all week then let him go? Will it be ok for real? I spent the weekend fretting to myself - I couldn't ask him about it after he came home and explained on friday. It felt needless.

He's so tense I walk on eggshells, but I'm stuck. We have a home to run here, and I can't let stupid little things go either. It all adds up when I'm constantly cleaning up after three other people. Just clean the counter. Pick up your dirty laundry.  Pick your battles carefully indeed.

Scouts though. He and Zoe left on a three day camping trip with the Scouts this month, leaving River and I (no tagalongs). We did ok, I drove the car to a friends house and we hung out - it was kind of liberating. I want to believe I can do it again. But they came back changed, and it was refreshing to see. He seemed vigorous, happy for a change. He enjoys being part of the scouts. Zoe seems grown up in a way, maybe a little more mindful and willing to help when she's not grumping about a chore. It's awesome to see them both grow <3

But the scouts. He's really upset that he can;t do more, be more involved. His work demands so much of his time and energy. I find I am unable to offer a real solution here. I've suggested a different route (he says this one he has now is the most demanding), or trying for the Puyallup location but that comes with it's own detriments. The job pays fairly well but at what cost? We knew this would be hard. It's been a trial on my end, I don't fully get his experiences. I'm not out there dealing with people or cases of alcohol, hauling things and breaking my back.

But I do deal with depression and anxiety. We both do. So I try to be supportive and mindful. I send adoring messages and try to be there when he hits a hard patch. I say the things I wish people would say to me during a hard moment.  I have a wider circle than he does, so I hear it more. I wish he'd say it, it means a lot when your spouse says they care, and that they see you.

I still ache to work and help out financially but I run in to the same problems: who is going to hire someone for two days a week? we have one care. Had we another I'd manage kid care with a friend or two. But as it is we have one. But the therapist, more than one, has explained I should not take on more work than I already have. I keep the house, I raise the children. I do the emotional work. I keep track of appointments and coordinate rides to things when we mis-schedule or things come up.

Sometimes I'd like to not have to be in charge of all of that. But I make it work.

It's summer break, so Kiddo is home. I wish I could say I had wholesome things planned to enrish her time off school but I don't. She gets to play from roughly 11am to 430pm unsupervised at the playground here which is a huge deal. She gets to play without a parent around (though I can step outside on the porch and check on her easily) and I think that really helps her grow. Plus she has scout stuff with Matty. She has reading to unlock screen time, workbook stuff on tuesdays and thursdays, handwriting practice (that she wanted!) - so I think she's well provided for.  This is all at home, I dont have car access 98% of the week. And between you and me, taking her and a toddler on a bus/long walk to a park is not my idea of enchanting.  So we manage at home. I make it work.

That's it. that's the haps. I wish I had brighter things to share. Summer used to be such a fun time. Now I quietly dread it. Maybe autumn will bring a breath of fresh air we need.