hm.

It's a day off.




I haven't seen one in a while. But I worked it out. I asked my friend Janelle if she'd mind watching the girls. She said yes, almost gushing with excitement - eagerly telling me that a mutual friend - Chelsea, would be dropping off her kids, so why not have them all play together?

We coordinate. Chelsea came to pick up the girls, and whisked them away.

By all accounts, they are having a blast. I am to. For once I don;t feel guilty about it - being alone. Usually I feel like I have to beg Matt for a day, and go through enormous guilt. Not this time. I showered alone. I ate ice cream for lunch, I watched tv uninteruppted. I listened to music! It was nice. He didn;t seem angry or jealous when I told him about this arrangement. I was really afraid he'd be bitter or worse, spiteful. It's like eggshells sometimes.

They're not home yet. When they do come home, I'll greet them lovingly. And we'll reassume those familiar patterns - Dinner to cook, things to put away. Routine keeps us on a stable level of being. Thats why I'm so firm on doing groceries promptly, and early. Routine, routine, routine.. My home is clean, my living room tidy, free of toys. My kitchen, weekends work, I cleaned too.

I walk through here, a bit high but satisfied. Our home is secure, safe. I have done my part. I kept the home. I sit now, waiting. Waiting for my babes to arrive. For my husband to come home (I hope he gets off at a good time. Those late nights he has are so brutal) - He slept poorly, I always worry extra when he goes off to drive with so little sleep. He works so hard. I wish I could do more.

We had a less than super weekend. Poor guy, got hit with a migraine that just wouldn;t quit. He kept apologizing, saying he ruined our day. I wish he'd understand a migraine is out of his control. We put him to bed, and it was a frustrating day - the kiddos have been super draining. River is super screamy, Zoe fusses a lot at what I ask of her. That's why I'm glad for this break - I can not hear my toddler screaming.

We have a new thing at night lately. We stay up late, (for us) eating perhaps, ice cream and watching tv together. Typically we're not sitting side by side, but nearby. Last night we actually touched on the couch - it was so nice to sit with you <3 I didn;t try to get close to be respectful. But I wanted to.

I miss touching, being touched. I don't mean sex, though it's  nice. I mean kisses, nuzzles. Wrapping an arm around me from behind and telling me I mean something to you. We don't kiss very much these days, and hugs are just a measure of greeting, instead of closeness. He's given nuzzles and even touched my hair recently. It was a brief thrill of excitement, then gone because I am loathe to pressure him in to  more touching, or other physical activity.  I have quietly ask in a text these days. Living like this is hard sometimes. I miss him. He's making little steps back, and I am here to support him.

Zoe is so vivacious lately. Her emotions are on high level all of the time. It's impossible to keep up, but I do my best. She wants to do everything first, or do it on her own. She has a growing taste in music that I admire as it evolves and grows. She creates art and loves to give it as gifts. She chafes at the reading and homework we do - gotta stay fresh and sharp though, I tell her. She's going to the second grade, amazing.

River is newly three, living the high emotion life that comes with, too. Everything is offensive unless it's her way only. She has the most astonishing tantrums that all I can do is hide from them. Her doctor says she's doing great. I work really hard to encourage her, and talk to her. She is so independent though! You couldn't find a more stubborn child at times. But she runs so eagerly. Watching her run at the park last night was so rewarding.

I'm trying to write instead of focus on the hallucinations :( They're bad today. So much death. The new doctor I am seeing for medication thinks it an OCD symptom, less of a bi polar thing. I'm stuck, you know? I'll never be 100% free of whatever I'm dealing with. Whatever name or diagnosis that ever comes. I'll get a semi colon tattoo, and share my story - I'll take the fucking medications. But it'll never go away completely. I'm seeing a lot of self harm today, or just myself dead, my family finding me and going through the grief of losing a loved one.

I wish it could stop. Dealing with this, the surge in emotions that comes with it, weed barely helps me stay grounded enough and calm. I wish it would stop. That's the break I need.