Weird.

We had some weird times this summer.

He got hurt at work and was out for four weeks. It's been financially stressing as fuck.

He's healing, and I think he went back too soon but we needed him working again. But it was nice, having him home. I felt like we really connected. We played WoW together for the first time in I think years and actually had fun for it. It reminded me a bit of what life used to be. He went back to work and I had an absolute breakdown as I re-assumed the mantle of House Keeper.  I went full manic, unable to keep myself in control. My meds were tweaked - I took them too far apart I think, and ended up having withdrawal effects for that friday.  I wanted to die and fully believed I could do it. I'm so grateful for my village :\ Matt came home just in time, and we were able to check out for the three days he was off.

School season is upon us, though due to strikes it's not in session until agreements can be made. Zoe is devastated, but enjoying the extra time off. She's in the bath with her sister right now. I can hear them playing.

I've been awake since 3am, coherent for a change and able to talk to Matt.

I've had to really accept a few things. Like working.  The therapist and Matt feel adding the stress of work to my already delicate grasp on things is too much. It feels like a shitty cop out, but I have to agree. I freaked the fuck out when he went back to work. I was so comfortable having him home, him being gone again for those long hours sent me in to an episode. I can't have that in a working environment. And who wants to hire for just weekend? everyone wants you to be available all week.

It feels futile. I end up feeling useless. I know ultimately, I'm helping us save money by being here for the kids - we aren't paying a fortune in daycare costs, and a stranger isn't watching our kids. I feel like such a burden though. He claims, "I need to be home for you more"and I feel terrible. I should be doing better. Instead I unravel over seemingly nothing. Sometimes I fear he'll get sick of me, throw up his hands, take the kids and leave.

He should be able to work without worrying. He has own demons to struggle with. I'm glad he has a neutral party to talk to now - he may dislike going, or see no point but I see it. Since he's gone to therapy and taken meds, and I think been home for some time he's calmer. He talks to me. He connected so much, I am loathe to lose that. But we have to be adults.