AdMISSions

Last night.

I tried to go to bed.

I wasnt really tired, my mind racing, but knew I needed to try, so I went to bed at 11. I couldnt sleep. I was worried about you. this move. Money. finding work.

I was struck with how potentially stupid it all was, how badly it could go.

I saw you me and kiddo in different scenarios.

The drive up being bad somehow for you. 

You leaving us in the car, not coming back as we sit there, watching you leave in the rain; not looking back.

Us fighting, loudly, angriily, like my mum and dad did on occasion. Kiddo crying behind the couch like I used too.

Us abandoning the dog, because we cant afford to feed him.

Kiddo getting sick as hell, and suffering cause we cant find work and subsequently, health care.

Being turned down for WIC or state aid for medical care for kiddo.

I watched myself get laid off in my mind; lived through that c section again.

I guess it's emotions running wild, tension/nerves on edge.

Sitting throughout the day today, while our kiddo naps, soon, I wager, to wake, on the verge of crying, I am unsure. 

These unsteady thoughts pulling, tugging, ripping

like teeth worrying skin

exposing the innermost thoughts of the worried, tension filled heart.

Since in this case

my worries are not wholly of the logical grey noise

of the exacting mind

more of the emotional heart

the warm/hothot-cold

That's why I hold you dear.

We'd like to meet the future that is on our minds

That's why I hold you

That's why I hold you

That is why I hold you, dear

so close at night

when I can

the fear of losing all we've accomplished;

worked so hard for

fuck the money

fuck the things

fuck the belongings

Just the heart; the arms holding

our three ways

bound in one

That is why I hold you, dear

My disinclination for emotional outbursts

you dislike them so

fixfixfix - you cannot fix it all

That's why I hold you

Your warm assurance; hands so big

arms so long

The only one I can look towards

for support

in trust; in anger

in joy, in orgasm

in all things

all things - all

That is why I hold you, dear

All that I see;

are peaceful lies, strung around

in a storm of delusion, that at some point

we like to take the sun from the sky 

it's high throne

and burn the clouds of notions

with the stark reality that we on occasion hide from.

That's why I hold you

That's why I hold you - 

That is why I hold you, dear.

to dive, in the ways of Dreams

Show me your ways

show you mine

with some grace

we'll go, we three and a half

Don't turn away; to leave to wallow in this

hole of a place.

Far away, near between

I hold, holding, held

but keep it

clean

the inside, outside

creeping, crawling

the old familiar longings

replaced by these constant tension

the easy going grace we used to 

slide with

hard to maintain a grip on.

That's why I hold you

That is why I hold you, dear.

Grounding my tense heat with persistant nudges

of teeth, into worried skin

We will

take the sun

and breathe life into

plans, come July.

Thats why I hold you - 

That's why I hold you - 

That is why I hold you, Dear.