the best

this is the best I have felt in a while.
I started this a week ago.

Tapering.

She fought me again.

The doctor.

Lately, things have been rough. Mentally I am struggling.

she's seven

Sometimes I watch her.

The voice is so vicious today. Pervasive and terrible, biting and nasty. But I know I'm not a failure, or a fuck up. I do my best. I am raising two lovely, strong kids, and that my husband loves me despite my tragic mental health problems.

It's very hard today to talk it back. So I turned on music that isn't piano, instead trying a suggest album by Muse. It's helping break up the shattered, discordant noise, letting me think in one direction and without negativity.

This is a very hard journey. I end up feeling so very alone. But I try to reach out, to my village, to Matt and to my therapist when I need to.

I am not alone. I can do this.

A brief moment of serenity.

She was watching a movie.

It's frustrating.

We had friends come by today.

update.

We live in a city with a funny name.

I thought I was doing ok this weekend..and then I have a crippling, horrifying panic attack in the car and at the pumpkin patch in front of the girls and Matt. I feel like I ruined all the fun. :( All because I hallucinated in the fucking car.

I hate living like this.

Today.

I cant handle this anymore.

FUCK.

Weird.

We had some weird times this summer.

hm.

It's a day off.

It's been a while.

Over a month actually.

Anthony Bourdain passed away.

Really.

I have an overwhelming feeling of no fucks to give today.

Unfortunate.

I find it to be an unfortunate thing.

I'm over this.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and confused today. I wish I could fix it.

Carry.

"You cannot meet the emotional needs of two people. You need to focus on your own."

I keep hallucinating today.

two and half.

She's two and a half
with a little belly and strong limbs.
Her favorite way to express herself is to yell NOT FAIR when something doesn't go her way.
She doesn't snuggle, but enjoys a good tickle - until she says no. Then I stop.
Her best tv show was Sarah and Duck, now Llama Llama. Fruit pouches and tor-tee-yas an'cheese hold sway, eaten every day. A game of hand pancake or High-five-Kaboom is still a joy to her.

When she gets hurt, she still runs to us, showing off the offended appendage, but never to kiss it better. A rub or a pt maybe, but never a kiss. A bandaid for the slightest bump. She talks to my friends now, instead of flashing them a stink face.

We watch a lot of tv, and play with scissors despite my admonishments. The shoes she wears are too small, but she can just fit them, and woe betide you if you cannot find them.

Her tantrums are like flash floods, starting with a crash of limbs and wails and ebbing in to long minutes of howling in to the carpet.  She'll find my cell phone on my desk, rushing it over to the tune of "Momma! You fone!"

She tattles on her sister, and won;t let anyone tell her what to do. Some might call her in the midst of terrible twos - what with the tantrums, the sudden running off down the aisle at the grocery - I see a growing babe. She's feeling out her boundaries for sure, expressing herself. She gets irate if not allowed to pick out her own snack from the box, or fork.

That can be frustrating, specially when it takes five minutes to find the perfect green straw in a jar of them. But I remind myself: You're helping a small person to be a person. Wait a minute before you sigh. I tell myself this as I wait for her to select the best spoon from the cup.

Patience I tell myself. Patience.

Music from another time.

I load a play list frequently - it's a collection of tracks from the 90's, a decade in which were some of my formative years were spent.

The things I see.

It happened while we walked to the bus stop.

Ramble.

I smoke weed. Once or twice a day, or maybe more if the hallucinations and anxious feelings are specially bad.

February, already

She seems off tonight.

I miss you.

I feel it today.