grey TEETH

I don't want to be this way.
so why does it happen?
Not sure. Achey parts; wounds still open I suppose.
Miss my work still.
Tired of feeling alone in a few things.
Not because he leaves us to work - because he has to work
feel kind of stuck.
afraid, unsure.
"You always seem so sure of yourself"
Surprise, I don't.
I tremble in the darkness; unsure of the next step.
I don't know where this is going.
Our path together is wide to the world, endless possibilities.
commit, commit, we agreed on commitment
to go up instead of staying.
I still struggle with the largeness of the notion.
Confidence in finding what we need; work, home, living, surviving.
I want more then to "Survive".
I want to taste the noises again with you.
We never laugh anymore.
Prescience; prescience -
I am glad I am not able to see that far ahead.
the mind shows what could be
in the worst of ways
and it frightens me enough.
Look towards the good, you say
it is hard, hard.
Thats why I sit here
fighting the emotions that
I want badly to come out.
Crying is hard when
you have Little Hands looking to you for
support, for strength.
When you have Feathers looking for strength, support.
I have few people I can look to for the same.
I almost want to say
"Fine, We won't go" but I refuse.
Adventures to have; frightening and foreign as it may seem
I want to find the colours again.
The ones we used to chase in the summer. our hands and jaws
chasing grasping the fleeting noises and savory flavors of warmth and
loving laughter.
I would not go back to life before; certain that I am that we can find the colours again.
Instead of tasting uncertainity in the water; sour distaste and resentment.
Unwanted as it is, still there, still there.
Walls, like so many we both carry.
I wont sit here and curse another missed chance, opportunities left to flow away on the tides
of waters.

But sometimes, I wish I had a person to hold me, tell me it till be fine. That yes, Ness, you're doing a fine job; and not dash away. I know you don't go to work in a rush like that on purpose. I envy your ability to go to work though.

You don't like to hear it, but it's a break from the crying, grabbing, pinching and constant clinging I endure all day. It's a focus, distraction.

I'm so afraid of things going badly in Washington, but I dont want to stay in California. : \

When I say or think things like, "I wish I could curl in bed, bawl my eyes out and sleep all day" I worry myself. I miss my own skin sometimes.

I put on a skin for everyone, even you sometimes. You seem confused/frustrated with my emotional ups and downs, sorry. SOmetimes a body needs to cry.  I try not to do it when you're around.

I dont want to be a bad mother. :(