update.

We live in a city with a funny name.

Puyallup. Pew-all-up. It was more of a town when we first moved in, now a city with a small town feel it tries to cling to downtown, down the hill.

It has been 6 years since we moved here. Much has changed. Its bigger than I like.

I have a therapist that I really love, we've made amazing progress. she's leaving in December though. I feel sad, but she wants to grow a family. She should be able to follow her dreams. My psyche med doctor feels rushed.

The world is falling apart. There was a shooting in a synagogue.  The president is a fucking ass. I need to vote, I have the paperwork, I just need to sit down and do it. I am constantly on call here, to settle fights, make food. I exist to serve it feels like.

Meanwhile I can't go a day without seeing flashes of myself dying or being already dead. Different reasons or scenarios each time. I have to talk to myself. "No, I have things to do today." "I'm not dying today/tonight." "My babies need me, I can't do that today." I'm so tired of it. I see me in the ER, my clothing cut open, or my children being walked in by my tearful husband.

I. am so fucking tired of it. I just want relief. I ache to feel real things. But I know burning myself is a poor answer. All I can do it talk to myself or keep busy.

My children are bickering today. Over some trinket they both have a version of. I hate it. I want it to stop. I screamed this morning. It helped nothing, but it gave me a momentary release of the pent up energy I otherwise cannot get out, too bad it was a negative way to do it.

I experienced vertigo for the first time. I was incapacitated. friends had to come over and watch over things. I was unable to care for River. I ended up in hospital due to dehydration from the barfing I did. It's still there, if I move too fast or drive.

Dad sent us money, a gift. With it we bought this car, and paid off the car we already had. I am so grateful. I'm just afraid we're going beyond our means.

We bought a second car that I'm afraid we can;t afford. But now I have access to a car during the day. I can run errands that my husband hates doing on the weekends. I can run around with kids I don't really want to be around. I feel dreadfully guilty.

I am always around one or more children. I ache for a break. I ache for my husband to take them out but I am expected to leave. I want time in my comfortable home. I have to breakdown and beg for him to do something. I have to lose my shit.

We have a village, but he won't ask them for help. He won't coordinate kid care, preferring I handle it. I handle seemingly everything, except money. He manages the spreadsheet and receipts. I ask to look, so I can keep up with our funds. He hides nothing. I manage appointments, meds, school calls, discipline and day to day household life. He's simply not home enough. He works his ass off. I know it. I need him though. I miss him.

He gaslights me still. I called him on it recently. "I don't realise I'm doing it.." he says. He's exhausting sometimes. I wish he would educate himself. All I can do is hope. No amount of links or talking will help it feels.

Our bus stop is crowded with people. My asshole neighbor crowds and postures, lecturing other peoples kids. His kid punched mine at the playground, and now he says I am accusing his son of things he did not do. I don't talk to him. I fear a confrontation. He's awful. I hate going to the bus stop these days, its a miserable experience.