Lately, things have been rough. Mentally I am struggling.

The vertigo came back on friday night and lasted for absolutely hours. It took me all weekend to recover.

My face is zapping more and more. My eyes twitch in an uncoordinated manner at random times. I get double vision now. Vestibular physical therapy is making very slow progress. My legs and hands shake. I've been up since an unknown time today, maybe two, hallucinating and shaking. My body is not having a good time. My mind is racing and its everything I can try to do to put on the calm face for my girls. I keep crying uncontrollably. Crying is ok I tell them. Sometimes we need to cry.

I have to ration out a mood stablizer because its too soon to refill it. I am just now learning it can potentially cause eye movements, double vision. Why didnt my doctor warn me? I cant reach her. I have to wait to see her on the tenth. She wont change meds on the phone, only change doses. Why can't something just FUCKING WORK? I had two good weeks. Two. I felt stable for TWO weeks.

Matt tried to refinance the car we just bought, and got denied. So the modest Christmas I had dreams for just got toasted. The bills have to get paid. We have to buy food. He's only off for Christmas. and New Years day. I dont want to put any effort in decorating. I did shit for thanksgiving, and what I managed I really pushed myself for. But I try. For my babies.

We havent had sex in a few months now. I stopped asking this time. I'm too focused on trying to get sleep anymore. Its so fleeting. He doesn;t seem concerned anymore. why bother. I cant find time to masturbate. I have to push myself to care about it. I stopped playing video games. All I do is stare at facebook, reddit and twitter mindlessly and wait for bedtime.

My therapist is leaving. So I have to meet a new one. I wish I didnt have to - but shes entitled to her life too. We get a long really well. I hope her new life is amazing.

Is this depression? Its wretched. The anxiety is worse now than it has been in months. Its been getting worse.