Tapering.

She fought me again.

The doctor.



Just meditate, she likes to say. YOu have to try harder.
How do you meditate when the mind wont quiet??
The noise, the endless noise unless I stare at a screen mindless and dull
ignoring my life and loves, my babes and household.

The only thing that matters is the tea.
Hot hot gulped down and fervently clung to.
The heat is real the minds visions are fake so fake focus on the pain.
At least it's not not a hot knife to hand or thigh right?

So she finally agreed to taper down. Its been such hell.
The frantic racing mind
the beating heart racing, pounding
endless pacing.
I cant smoke weed anymore.
The high just doesnt appeal anymore.
My heart just pounds.
I nap. an indulgent hour or two and wake
up refreshed.
Last night it was too much.
FRantic and unrelenting.
I had to call a -  Hyena.
She answered
a blessing.
We talked babbling, frantic and crying as I cooked
they must be fed, the babes
the routine must be kept.
dinner by 5
choke it down ness.
do it.
The pallid, boring pasta roni
and boring weenies
Where was he? stuck stuck
traffic
I needed him. I was waiting
holding out.
I wish I could tell him Im sorry
I wait for him. He's my support.
But look
Look at this
a half a dose finally
and I had a glimmer!
a brief look at what used to be.
Music enjoyed again
goals showing themselves
Hope a taste
My friends
so far away but a finger tips notice
I wish I could tell them
I love them so much.
All the discord chats
the snapchats
the messenger moments
One knows.
they know. They visited. I love them so much.
Maybe another
but I could never be honest completely.
For fear of saying too much.
But I value them so much.
As I do my husband. So much support in different ways.
I wish they knew.
My therapist knows. She hears it all.
the light the dark
she's seen me cry.
I can feel it try to come back.
A glimmer of darkness.
But no.
NO.
I am going to enjoy my
fucking beer.
My time with my babes
in silence
headphones
apart yet together.
This morning we cuddled.
lazily.
All of us in the room.
even the cat.
It was
it was for once so nice.
I didnt feel that urge to get on my desk.
JUst sit
just be
BE
Just be.
He sleepily tugged me closer as the girls
babble played near by and the cat gave
a rare lay on my lap
I felt
connected.
I felt loved
and full.
Ive missed this.
The face zaps are back
but I feel
at ease.
Safe.
He is here.
my kids are ok
everything is ok.
I will see this through.
It
will
be
ok.
<3