the best

this is the best I have felt in a while.
I started this a week ago.




I am off the oxcarbazepine completely.
the anxiety is still there, but Ive noticed a decrease or at least a lessening of the hallucinations.
I left the house two weeks in a row to go to the grocery.

It was very nerve wracking, but I did it.

But now I need new glasses so I shouldn't be driving anyhow.
it's always something it seems.
I started a new medication to help with sleep
(it doesn't)
all it does it give me amazing dry mouth.
Another worry.
Dental worries.
It's a week later and I am plagued with some older glooms
my eyes don't work the way I need and
we can't go get glasses yet
so I am stuck again.
Christmas is in a few days.
I'd rather be beyond it.
We spent too much
trying to ensure the girls have a good holiday
and I know they'll be delighted
while we watch them rip open the pretty paper
and I'll remember why we did it.
To make sure they're happy.
and I hope they are.
Dad sent a care package
gifts for his grandbabies.
at the bottom a blanket from her;
my middle sister. Handmade yes
but unwanted.
As though forgetting I told her last year
to leave us alone.
It was consigned to the donation pile before
anything else could be said.
She beat my baby at just a few months old
and behaves like a fool about it.
I know my dad aches for us to get along, but
she BEAT our kid. She was a few months old
an infant
she hit an infant.
Ugh
it's really turned me off today.
But.
a moment of pleasure.
Music again.
So often my biggest comfort.
Ive listened to so much lately.
I was searching songs for a playlist
a 90's playlist.
I was on spotify
browsing 311 albums when one song came on
randomly
or maybe at just the right time.
'1,2,3'
it's chorus played as I read a special book to our youngest.

It's all right to feel good;
it's all right for nothing to be wrong
the deepest dream that we have
could be tomorrow's song.

I cried - in part from the book
in part because of the song.
It was so appropriate.
Once I used to listen to that song sadly
languishing in a relationship that was
so very toxic.
But in the moment
today
reading a book to a toddler
having enjoyed a lunch with friends
Nothing was wrong.
Things were ok, in that very moment.
I think the song was a sign
from the gods to chill the fuck out.

So that's what I am doing. Drinking tea,
listening to music
while the girls indulge in screen time.
While we wait for Matty to come home.
I miss him.
We're doing.. ok.
I try to talk a lot - feelings, day to day stuff
I'm still on guard a lot -
can I say this?
he keeps doing this thing, do I say something
or just swallow it?
do I settle?
He works so hard
surely you're being naggy
but no wait, you have a right to voice your words.
Like leaving sugar and creamer
on my counter.
It's just obnoxious.
I suppose when
I clean up after two smaller people all day, starting
my day cleaning up after a grown man
is extremely vexing.
But it's hard to dredge that kind
of shit up
at the end of the day.
It's not worth it.
I have to catch it in the moment.
even then it's a matter
of caution.
Do I say something?
will he care?
will he roll his eyes and sigh?
Will he say its clearly not a problem.
Will he own it?
He could.
approach him calmly.
No one likes a shrewish wife.
right?
Its so anxiety driven.
I wonder if he knows.
Will he read this?
will he care?
I wonder.