boneJAW

Chewing on my own bones here.



A shame to be so torn between your family's needs, and their wants.

Want to say I have my self in there somewhere too, but I find I more drawn to ensuring my daughter and husband have a future. What do, what say, when your other half is as torn as you are about making an extremely wild move out and away from the warm place of familiarity into an unknown place.

It's 'only' another state; from California's climate to that of Washington's; but to a person whom has ONLY live in California, the so called "fantasy" is a frightening thing to really wrap my figurative jaws around. More so when you try, seemingly in good ways, to please his wishes to remain with his company here in California. That he fought so a VERY long time to get on with; only to watch me get laid off after nearly three years with them.

Tragedy; sure. However I've a family to try and keep satisfied, while I sneak in my time. My occasional books, my perhaps, 45-60 minutes a night with my husband, over tea.

I miss him; his work keeps him away - a fact I am only too cognizant of, having done abundant amounts of crunch time for a release.

What I see here, in this pattern, is that we are too easily slipping into a constant cycle of bitching, with a lack in supportive words, depressive moping, and a subtle loathing.

Loathing, you might ask. Why loathing?

I fear, at times, like today, he resents my lingering desire to stay in California - I will admit I am loathe to leave some of my - no, our family - and I admit to vanity; or just pure pleasure, my sunshiney summers here. We met in the beginning of summer, you know. We shared a fumbling, easy going summer then.  To say I recall it fondly is an understatement.

I applied today; not absolutely, but applied yes, for a position in California.  I felt, this was not for me to stay in California. I did it, to allow him to stay on with the company I still refer to as "our work". I was met, I think with quiet reservations and not much else.  Perhaps, as I said, some resentment.

His now deleted post, "Well, it's back to a fantasy" really hurt. More then I was allowing myself to realize. I was trying to allow him to keep the job in the company he'd so much wanted to be a part of.  I get the feeling I shouldnt have done that. So I will send an email to the gentleman I spoke to, and explain that Im sorry sir, I must retract my application and interest in the position. Why? For the sake of a cohesive, happy family sir.

I am unsure how to really tackle this. I cried. in our garage actually. At home. I feel kinda torn. Anger? morose silence? It's bad enough my child shit all over me today, emotional stress really isn't necessary, but that's cool.

I can hang. I can deal; I've done it since that hellish week I got laid off. We both have.


I dont say this, any of this at all, to spite my husband. If anything, this allows me to speak freely, without the fear of being shut down.
Sometimes, I wonder if he reads my words. Does he think about them, as I think about his words? Or him?  I try hard not to be selfish, though at times, one can only want, fiercely for themselves.

I had a long hard thought today, as I drove at a snails pace to collect groceries.  He wont like to hear it, that I'm going to be cancelling the meeting, and any potential interviews with this company, in favor of our mutual (if shakey) desire to leave the state.

Why? he might ask. Why?

I will put it this way.

As much as I try to be responsible these days - I can attribute this to a few things, not only our daughter; I cannot forgoe an adventure. You wish to leave California, as do I.

That's the cut and dry of it. Removing my emotional, familial and thusly sentimental ties to this state; my choice is right there.

You, husband. I hope you DO read this, and take it in your own jaws as I have.