The voice is so vicious today. Pervasive and terrible, biting and nasty. But I know I'm not a failure, or a fuck up. I do my best. I am raising two lovely, strong kids, and that my husband loves me despite my tragic mental health problems.

It's very hard today to talk it back. So I turned on music that isn't piano, instead trying a suggest album by Muse. It's helping break up the shattered, discordant noise, letting me think in one direction and without negativity.

This is a very hard journey. I end up feeling so very alone. But I try to reach out, to my village, to Matt and to my therapist when I need to.

I am not alone. I can do this.

A brief moment of serenity.

She was watching a movie.

It's frustrating.

We had friends come by today.

update.

We live in a city with a funny name.

I thought I was doing ok this weekend..and then I have a crippling, horrifying panic attack in the car and at the pumpkin patch in front of the girls and Matt. I feel like I ruined all the fun. :( All because I hallucinated in the fucking car.

I hate living like this.

Today.

I cant handle this anymore.

FUCK.